ANGER MANAGEMENT

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and
you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out
on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I
had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A
man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak
with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on
me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had
transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After
hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong number"
again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're
an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word "asshole" next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I
was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and
yell, "You're an asshole!". It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic
"asshole" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number
and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID
program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled
into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and
yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored
me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote
down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call
the BMW asshole, too.. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I
said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it
is. "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house
and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he
said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every
evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his
number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had
two assholes to call...

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoy-
able as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called
Asshole #1.

"Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah", I said.
"Stop calling me", he screamed "Make me", I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah?"
"Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house
with my black Beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better
start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole", I said...
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass", he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming
over right now".

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying
that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way
over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13
news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street... I
quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other
in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news
crew.

Now, I feel better.