Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other nun, a redhead, whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

Q: What's the Redhead Dating Motto?

A: The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A: A redhead!

 

Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?

A: Normal

 

Q: How do you get a redhead's mood to change?

A: Wait 10 seconds

 

Q: If you love a Redhead, set her free ...

A: If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.

 

Q: How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?

A: She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl  

 

Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?

A: She unties you.

 

Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde.

First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?" Second sailor replies that he has.

They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette.

First Sailor: Have you ever slept with a brunette?"

Second Sailor" Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions"

They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the other two girls for dead.

First Sailor:" Have you ever slept with a redhead then?"

His companion looks at him and replies "Not a wink!"

 

A redhead walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells, x-large condoms.

He replies, "Yes, we do, would you like to buy some?"

She replies, "No sir, but if you don't mind I'd like to hang out here until someone does."

 

Q. How do you know when you've had sex with a redhead?

A. If you are dehydrated, can't walk, and have blood running down your back, you've been with a redhead.

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.

One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell."

This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.

So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."

Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."

So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"

The redhead says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!"

They were shocked and asked why.

"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"

A man met a beautiful girl, and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.

So, they spent the night together. In the morning before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment". 

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note: 

"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 

1. It had never been occupied; 

2. There was plenty of heat; and 

3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home. 

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large." 

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply: 

"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

*A  lawyer  married  a  redhead who had previously divorced ten husbands.  On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be a bit gentle; I'm still a virgin.

"What?"  said  the  puzzled groom.  "How can that be if you've been married ten times?  And besides, you're a REDHEAD!

Redhead - A Chemical Analysis

              Element: Redhead
              Symbol: RH
              Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
              Discoverer: It's debatable, some say Adam, but we now know, that only God could
              discover something so perfect!
              Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in
              Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

              Physical Properties

                1. Surface usually covered with minimal painted film. As a rule, not necessary.
                2. Boils at everything, freezes without reason.
                3. Melts if given special treatment.
                4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
                5. Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
                6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

              Chemical Properties

                1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
                2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
                3. May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
                4. Reactive in liquids, even more, increased activity when saturated in alcohol.
                5. Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
                6. Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

              Uses

                1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
                2. Can greatly improve hormonal  levels.
                3. Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances.
                4. Incapable of cooling things down, when it's too hot.

              Tests

                1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
                2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

              Caution

                1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
                2. Illegal to possess more than one.

Steve is standing outside a condo in Miami Beach when all of a sudden he  hears, "Hello, handsome." 

He looks up and sees a middle-aged redheaded woman, naked from the waist up, hanging out of a window.  And she's got some damned beautiful jugs!

She says, "Come on up.  14B."

Needless to say, he runs into the condo, goes up in the elevator,
runs down  the hall to 14B, and knocks on the door.  She opens the door, pulls him in,  and closes the door.  She's stark naked, except for bikini panties.  He can't  believe it.

She leads him into the living room, not saying a word.  She  unbuckles his belt, pulls down his zipper, undoes his pants, and pulls them down to his ankles. She pulls his T-shirt up to his chest, and pulls down his boxers. He's got a boner like you write home about. She cups his hard-on in her hand, strokes it a few times, and then she starts SMACKING it,
and says, Don't-you-ever-park-in-my-fucking-parking-spot-again-you-son-of-a
bitch..."

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK,  OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"  

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive my Vette over there to visit?"  The genie laughed , "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete-how much steel!  And the maintenance of that bridge! No - think of another wish." 

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I'm married to a redhead. So, I wish that I could under-stand her ...... know how she feels inside and what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment...... know  what she really wants when she says 'nothing'...know how to make her truly happy......I want to know how she can be so damn sexy one second and be the devils daughter, the next. I really want to under-stand her and how she thinks!" The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

Don't Make a Redheaded Nurse Mad

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. 

The redheaded nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature.

"After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.

"This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.  After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

When it comes to scoring with the ladies, I'm no slouch. In the past two weeks alone, there's been Nikki the legal secretary, Stephanie the cocktail waitress, and, of course, Alicia the flight attendant (she really put the "lay" in layover). But while these rolls in the hay were fun while they lasted, each ultimately left me with a vague, empty feeling inside. It's been that way with all my one-night stands. I'm not 100 percent positive, but I think it's because none of them have been redheads.

Once I have sex with a redhead, it'll all come together. Redheads are definitely the way to go. I just know that a redhead wouldn't ultimately bore me like the other women I sleep with. That's because they have a fiery temperament. I love that sense of danger, not knowing whether the woman is going to smash a vase in a fit of wild anger or tear my clothes off in a fit of animal lust. That fire and passion will hold my interest over the long haul, no question.

I thought having sex with a blonde would be like that. Sex with a blonde, I figured, would be so great, it would leave me feeling happy and whole. Well, "they" don't know what the hell they're talking about, because anytime I've ever taken some random blonde chick back to my condo to bump uglies, it's been awkward and anti-climactic. And even in the rare instances where the sex has been good, the feeling of elation always starts to fade shortly after the blonde gathers her clothes from your floor and leaves you a fake name and phone number.

The brunettes I've dated haven't measured up, either. For one thing, there are always communication problems with them. Dark-haired women never seem to understand that I express my deepest feelings and desires with smoldering glances across the bar or bowling alley. They never comprehend the volumes I say with simple finger and tongue gestures.

Redheads, on the other hand, are naturally intuitive. They know what you're thinking and know how to respond in kind. Like a cat, a redhead would know all that I craved, and she would surprise me with things I didn't even know I wanted. That's all I've been looking for during my years of bed-hopping, and I'm sure I'll find it with a redhead.

Now, I know what you're wondering. What if I connect with a redhead, only to discover that the carpet doesn't match the curtains, if you catch my drift? While, admittedly, I am very aroused by the thought of seeing a fiery crimson patch contrasted against a pale stomach, what truly counts is what's going on upstairs. And if a woman's mind is topped with a lustrous mane of glorious red hair, it doesn't really matter if it was God who made it that way or Clairol.

Yes, sex with a redhead would be my holy grail. Ever since my recent realization of this, I've made it my goal to seek out a redhead so we could have wild sex and fall in love, then spend the rest of our lives having satisfying, fulfilling sex together. A redhead would make the sex act as exciting as it's been purported to be since I was 10.

And if my search for a redheaded soulmate doesn't pan out, I hear Korean women are complete freaks in bed.